The Journey to the center of Me... - Part 1

You can buy this book here!

This is the first part in a series of posts that will take you on a imaginary journey to the center of "me". About two years ago, I took a journey of self-exploration by reading a book titled – "Seven Days in UTOPIA, Golf's Sacred Journey" written by David L. Cook, PhD. This book is about an old man who lived in a simple place but had extraordinary insight and who invested himself in the life of another, a golfer who was lost on his journey. Though I'm no professional golfer, only a mother, I too was lost on my journey and this book was just simply perfect for me! I hope the lessons I took from it will be valuable for you too!

I read the book shortly after what I would call a "total burnout" as a mom, which culminated in a breast cancer diagnosis. Today I am healed in more than one way (physically and emotionally), but I would like to take you back into the midst of the aftermath of my crisis, when I came across Dr Cook's book. At the time I was so confused! I thought I had to be the perfect mom, but somehow, just like the golfer in the book, I had lost my "game". I felt exhausted, inadequate and defeated, when those around me all seemed to be so perfect. Though the book is entirely about a golfer, his burnout and how he overcame it, I managed to draw some really helpful lessons from it about motherhood, all of which became a firm part of my own healing journey. In the next few weeks I would like to share them with you, right here, on my blog.

When I finished the book, I tried to summarize it all into a mission statement for moms and though maybe this belongs at the end of my series of blog posts, I would like to share it with you right at the start of it all. Here's what I concluded from the lessons I learnt from this marvelous book:

Mom, be assured that there is no specific model of success in motherhood, no "right way" of doing it. Each mom must develop her own blueprint for her family and her own style of mothering them. We must have such a conviction for the manner in which we "mother" our kids that there are no cracks in her armor when facing the toughest foe on our journey. I find that the toughest challenge we will face as moms, is not necessarily the many and often repeated problems we will encounter while raising our kids or even the fact that other mothers seem to be doing better than us. Our toughest enemy will be the casual comment offered up by a fellow mother or relative about how we SHOULD be doing it. I don't know how you feel about your mothering style, but I encourage you to find a solid stance and conviction that you ARE A GOOD MOM in your very own way. If you don't believe that already, then I recommend that you take a regular "quiet time" during which you write about it in a diary until you do. Unseen wisdom seems to rise when we write things down and I hope that you will come to learn that you are a good mom. That is not to say that we cannot improve, but you will find out during those quiet times as to when and how. My posts are not here to improve your mothering skills, I wouldn't be qualified to even try. My intention and purpose is only to share what I learnt so that you can also find your "game" - your personal mothering style - and that this will help you cope with anything that is coming your way!

So, let's get started with Day 1 of a 7-day journey to the inside of me...

(The main characters of the book are an old farmer and a professional golfer and their names are not relevant for my blog so I will just refer to them as "the farmer" and "the golfer".)

One of the first chapters of the book is titled "Conviction" and it is all about finding answers in the right places and stripping off excess baggage first. In other words, leaving the many interferences of life behind. Oh yes! Quiet time!! A key ingredient to my own healing! The thing, I thought was impossible to do, more of a luxury, since quiet time seems to be a luxury for every mom, had now become a key element to my own survival. After all I was sick and I needed to heal. Quiet time is definitely what I needed most when I started reading this book and in order to be able to get it, I also needed to strip off excess baggage first. I needed to get rid of "unnecessary commitments" and replace them with little quiet times.

Courtesy of www.morguefile.com

For years I had been looking for someone to give me the answer on how I could be the best mother I so wanted to be. The golfer in the book often felt that in moments where it mattered most, he usually failed. I felt that way too. Usually moments where patience was required. Moments where I had everything but time. The golfer was apparently "overthinking the game" and because of it, he usually lost. Sound familiar? It certainly sounded familiar to me. I am definitely an "over-thinker"! With the result, that in those really busy moments, where multi-tasking was at its highest peak, the first thing I usually lost was - fun. Motherhood should be a journey and we ought to be enjoying the journey, but for me, at that time, it had become nothing but a list of chores. (I wish I knew if you can relate to this!)

The golfer learns, that in order to swing a golf club perfectly, he needs to stop thinking and just enjoy the game. Most players overthink the game, but in order to be really successful he needs to learn to let go of control. He is missing rhythm and balance, because he tries too hard to stay in control. Check, check, check! Yup, that's me! Control freak no. 1 at home. (I might as well be honest here, if I am writing about this!) I always knew that motherhood should be more enjoyable, even or especially in those very tense moments. But I was missing something in order to enjoy myself and now, reading this book, I finally knew - I was missing rhythm and balance. Something that you don't easily gain when you are too busy trying to stay in control. Learning to give up control is what I also had to do on Day 1...but how??

Too much stress?

Giving up control over my "to do list" in favor of time-out or a "quiet time" is something I never dared doing before. It is pretty clear to me that my kids often won't stop fighting or having a go at each other until I give them a "time out". But it was never clear to me that I needed such a "time out" too! How often did I struggle with my chores rather than taking a rest?!?

On this metaphorical Day 1 on the journey to the inside of me, I learnt from a fictitious professional golfer, that rhythm and balance would be key words in correcting my mothering skills. In the past, I had been listening to far too many people and tried to copy them far too many times. I have restricted myself in so many ways by trying to do things the way they do. I believe that rhythm can maybe be learnt from someone else, but real balance can only be gained by listening to one's own voice. The key to hearing one's own voice will, however, and can only be - quiet times! In those first few quiet times I have discovered a different voice, a new voice with a new angle. A new coach, teaching me my very own "swing". 

At the end of the chapter, the farmer asked the golfer if he ever slowed down to just think and I would like to ask you the same question now. Do you ever slow down...? Do you ever just think...? Feel free to leave me a comment below! I would love to hear from my readers about how you experience the "speed of life" and whether or not you are coping with it!

In conclusion, the farmer suggests that true healing takes time. Time to contemplate, time to listen to the learning, so that change can take place. I have taken a lot of time and I have learnt that I must clear my mind of other women's mothering styles. Just like the golfer, I must stop trying to copy someone else's game and find my own.

I have begun my journey to the center of me...if you can relate to my journey, then stay with me! If you liked this post, please leave me a comment and I hope you will check back in a couple of weeks when I continue the journey with the help of - "Seven Days in Utopia, Golf's Sacred Journey"!  

HAVE A GREAT GOLFING AND MOTHERING WEEK!

Courtesy of www.morguefile.com

My FIRST YouTube video!!!

I have been absent for quite some time from my blog and if you have read my previous post on surfing, you might rightfully think that this must be a "flat-water curse" or a "drought". But it is neither! Granted, it was a very long wait until I am finally writing again, but I do hope that the wait was well worth it. Rest assured, that my absence was not caused by a sudden lack of interest in my readers, quite the opposite! I have created a YouTube video on how to..."Survive your fear!".

This video is a personal testimony of mine and explains, with the help of the movie "Life of Pi", how I survived and faced fear after I received a massively scary medical diagnosis. It is not a professional video and therefore, from a seasoned YouTuber's point of view, perhaps full of flaws. But it is my humble attempt at explaining, how I made it through cancer treatments, despite the fear that accompanied me. I made it and so can you! That's the basic idea of the video and it doesn't really matter what the cause is for your fear. "Life of Pi" has inspired me in a tremendous way to make a new start. I have now washed up on my "Mexican shore" and I am ready to start a new life, a life with more love and no fear. Are you?

If the answer to that question is - yes! - then you might like to watch my video, the link is here:

Survive your fear!

Or if you prefer to read, you can view it here:

"Surviving FEAR" - a personal story of victory...

I hope you will watch it and you will find it to be inspiring!

I will try to follow it up in the next few weeks with a series of blogs that will be titled - "The Journey to the Center of Me".

As you might guess, the title of this series is based on the movie "Journey to the Center of the Earth" which is an adventurous story of a fantastical journey to the center of the Earth, involving much action and a rescue. The heroes of the story discover that the center of the Earth is a completely separate world contained within the Earth. 

You could say that in the last few years, I have been on a fantastical journey to the center of "me", discovering a whole other world in there too and witnessing much action and a rescue! Today I am healed, in more ways than one, and I would love to share some of the astonishing truths that I have found. Interested? Then come back soon!

Have a wonder-filled week!

More things motherhood has in common with surfing...

In my post titled "Some things motherhood has in common with surfing..." I have previously compared motherhood to surfing and if you haven't read it yet, you can just click on the link and read it. I wrote that post after I watched the movie "Soul Surfer" and perhaps You know, that I like to draw practical life lessons from movies.  In this movie, Bethany, the one-armed lead actress, painstakingly needed to learn to surf again and I felt, that this applied to me too. Now a mother and somewhat one-armed (with a baby seemingly permanently attached to my left hip) I needed to learn to live life again. A new life, less affected by my somewhat troubled childhood.

But yesterday, I watched a different kind of surfer movie called "Surfer, Dude" a 2008 American comedy film starring Matthew McConaughey in the role of a world class surfer. The movie consisted a great deal of them smoking "grass" and that might be a little off putting for some, but when you have a teenager at home, smoking a joint to escape the stress of raising him, suddenly seems so much more appealing (I am just kidding!!!). No, seriously, despite the high level of drug consumption, there were some things that I liked very much about the movie and I would like to ponder over them for a moment and share them with you.

The plot of the movie followed the surfers through a "flat-water curse", a very long period of time without waves. In other words, a total lack of action, which is devastating for dedicated surfers of course! For more than two months there were no waves. None, not even one! Such a long period of time is considered a "drought" and they even attempted to "break" it by fasting and meditating, but sadly to no avail. There was nothing else for them to do than to WAIT. All surfers know that they can't MAKE waves. All they can do is hang out together and wait and be ready to get down to the beach at the slightest feel of a breeze! As a matter of fact, surfers seem to spend an obscene amount of time waiting. Even in times of good surfing, in-between the waves they relax and wait, chat to each other and soak up the scenery, always ready on a somewhat subconscious level to get back into action and paddle like mad at the sight of another wave.

Wow! I can relate to that as a mom! 

How often have I felt, as a mother, that I lacked opportunity - a wave! I used to love being busy and ever so "efficient" before I had kids and now, being a mom, it often seems like I spend my life waiting. Waiting for them to finally go to sleep or to wake up, to get over the flu or to stop crying, to finish their plate of food or to come out of school, it seems I am always WAITING!! It's not that I do not enjoy these moments or do not enjoy being a mom, but I crave some kind of opportunity to shine, to prove that I can still do more. I crave a wave! Don't you sometimes crave one too? 

However, especially when my kids were small, there were no such opportunities, NONE. What was a drought of waves for the surfers, certainly was a drought of opportunities to me and I didn't always understand why. Occasionally I even tried to make something happen, make a wave of my own. But those were short-lived and somewhat futile efforts. Why? Well, having watched the movie, I finally get it. 

I believe opportunities, just like waves, come our way. We cannot make them but we can see them for what they really are - a gift from God, just meant to be enjoyed. Sometimes we are too late to catch one and we enviously watch someone else take it, but sometimes there are just none where we are. Especially as moms, we can't leave and go search for them, but we can wait and be ready to ride when they finally do come our way again. There was a purpose for the drought in this movie and there might be a purpose for the drought in your life. I have certainly discovered mine.

I needed to learn to relax more and wait...be ready, yes...but wait and wait with a good attitude. I have learnt to appreciate my time with God while I am waiting and the moments I get with my fellow surfers, other moms. There is absolutely no point in stressing over a lack of waves and very much the same way there is no point to stress or complain over a lack of opportunity. Opportunities do and will come, at the right time, the only question might be - are you ready to ride?

I have decided I want to live life the way surfers do...always on standby, ready to enjoy the gifts I am given by God and enjoy the beach with or without waves! I am blessed enough to live near a beach and there is so much more I can learn from the ocean, but as for today, well today, I just want to reach out to you and encourage you to enjoy waiting, alone or together and find comfort in these words:

"And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others." 2 Cor 9:8 (NLT)

Spend time with Him and you will have all you need! What a promise!

I took this picture just the other day and now I know why! Isn't it perfect? But if none of the above makes any sense to you and you got some time to spare today...share a moment with another mom or just go and take out the DVD of "Surfer, Dude" and I hope you enjoy watching it. HAVE A GREAT DAY!

(Photo is my own.)

The Invisible Mom

Have you ever felt invisible as a mom??

This video by Nicole Johnson titled "The Invisible Woman" is so incredibly beautiful I decided to share it on my blog. You will see, it is well worth watching!

I know this beautiful story doesn’t need any extra explanations. You could easily say that she said it all. Having watched it several times I must admit that I shed a tear or two and I wondered - why do we have such a need to be "seen"?  Why do we moms want to be noticed? If you want to comment on my thoughts about invisible moms, please leave me a note at the end of this post. 

When I was in school, I once acted in a play, but my acting skills were miserable to say the least and my ability to communicate emotions on a scale of 1 to 10, in all honesty, hovered around 2. I didn’t even last 15 minutes in practice and the teacher took me out of the play and gave me some insignificant backstage task. Perhaps you can imagine that I was devastated! I felt as if I had been robbed of my opportunity to shine! But the real problem was, that back then, at the tender age of 12 and having been scarred by two parental divorces already, I didn’t understand why I wanted to shine. 

Watching this video, I realized that sometimes we moms crave some “fame” too. Just some attention, someone to notice us! It’s quite natural I suppose, that at some point in our journey as moms, we might think that we should be doing BIGGER things. Things that are being noticed by others. But I believe that what Nicole Johnson is suggesting is, that perhaps you are already doing that? Simply by raising your beautiful child? 

I know...we get tired of the daily routine! But dare I say that joining a Moms & Tots group, the school's PTA or even a church committee to distract you from boredom or insignificance, is not always the best answer at hand? The reason I am saying that is because it can lead you to compare, compare yourself to other moms and comparing, I believe, can be a dangerous thing. It can often lead to the thought that "I need to be more". But do we really need to be more?

Fact is, that Jesus has called us to serve (Matthew 20:26-28). I presume that he meant first serve our families, then serve others. So when, on a rather boring day of serving our kids, that nagging feeling for "more" sets in, perhaps we should first investigate the motive behind it? Do we want "more" to be a better mom? Or do we want more just to feel better about ourselves or make others think more highly of us? 

Today, almost forty years later, I understand why the teacher didn’t want me in the play. I wasn’t out to please the audience. I was out to please myself. Out of the hurt in my life, I needed to be important in some kind of way and being in the play seemed like a good start. It took me almost 40 years (and quite a few more wrong motives) to finally understand that I don’t need to do anything significant to be important. I am important because God made me significant just like He made you significant too!

Where did I finally find the answer? In my favorite Psalm. Psalm 46:10 says “Be still, and know that I am God!” (NLT) Be still! Honestly, how often do we “be still”? But every time I am being still, He tells me how important I am and lifts me right out of the depths of my daily struggle for significance and he’ll do the same for anyone who takes time to “be still”.

Did you know that quite a few people in the bible were just being still and yet, they became rather famous? Esther was being still for a long time, waiting to be important to the King. He later listened to her and saved her people! Ruth was being still on the side of Naomi, obediently following her around the country and serving her. She ended up marrying the most important and richest man in town! Lazarus was being very still, in fact he was so still he was dead. But he was raised back to life by Jesus! They all became incredibly famous and it all started with being still. So little effort got them so much fame. Less is more? Yes! Sometimes even in motherhood.

 

You might have thought that your life as a mom is insignificant, but now you know (if you watched the video) that you are building a cathedral and yes, you might be a “builder unknown” but that doesn’t change the importance of your job! One stone at the time, one seemingly endless discussion, one instruction even one argument at the time, you are building your child. God sees every moment that you spend raising that child and He thinks it is a moment well spent.

Let’s face it; raising children is a mammoth job. You show up day after day and make personal sacrifices for no credit at all. It is likely your name will never be  mentioned at any of his prize givings or printed on one of his/her Spellathon certificates. But God will know. He can see you. He sees everything you do. Having watched the video a couple of times, I agree, we sacrifice ourselves, not for them, but for God. So that one day, when they leave our homes, He can live in them and remain with them! 

Is it difficult? Of course! And we all make mistakes! Even within the time of writing this blog, having been distracted by my daughter several times, for seemingly arbitrary reasons, I have managed to shout at her "You are wasting my time!” Oh, Lord, forgive me for my own shortcomings! Remind me today and every coming day, that it is not a waste of time to raise my child! But most importantly remind me that when I need a break, when I feel unimportant as a mom...all I need to do is come to you and be still for a little while! Please Lord, bless every mom, granny or woman that is reading this post and let her have a meaningful day today!

Don't forget to comment if you liked this post! :-)

 

Come fly at a higher altitude mom!

I can't say that I particularly like flying on big airplanes, but I must admit that I have learned some rather important lessons up there, high above the clouds. Two of my most popular posts deal with airplane safety and attitude and how they relate to my life as a mom. If you haven't read them yet and you would like to, you can find the links here:

• A crucial detail about safety all moms MUST know... 

• Attitude is EVERYTHING 

Today, however, I would like to zoom in on the importance of our altitude. Altitude, as you might or might not know, refers to our height above the ground.

Image courtesy of www.morguefile.com

I have failed so many times as a mother, I cannot even begin to tell you and you probably wouldn't want me to, but what's important is that my biggest fails usually happen when I did not have enough "quiet time". In case you have never had a quiet time and don't quite know what I am referring to, a quiet time is a "time out" for adults. Just like you would give your child when his or her behavior starts to deteriorate. Admittedly, my own behavior still  deteriorates quite often as I am not a very seasoned mother yet. I still tend to "lose the plot" in those really stressful moments. Of course, in those stressful moments, I don't have time for a "quiet time"! But as soon as I can, later in the day, I run to my reading chair and stay...for one minute, 10 minutes, whatever I can spare. I sit in my chair and ponder over my latest outburst of anger, pray for forgiveness and wait until peace settles in again. There, alone in my chair, chatting to God or just sitting still, I manage to put everything back into perspective and regain hope, that for the rest of the day, I won't slip again.

I thought about such quiet times on a recent flight in a Boeing 737, on which I was lucky enough to occupy a window seat. High above the ground at 36'000 feet I was looking outside and noticed, that we seemed to move so incredibly slowly over the ground that was barely visible below. I couldn't spot any cars and with the details of "daily life" hidden from my immediate sight, the world looked so much more serene and my problems very much smaller than they usually do. It felt as if I was suspended in time. Most interestingly, far above the dotted clouds, it seemed as if I could see my destination even though we hadn't reached it yet.

I sat, gazing out the window, and wondered what this would look like, if the rather powerful airplane would fly incredibly low, perhaps at 5000 feet above ground. Everything would fly by so fast! Can you imagine? Flying in a Boeing 737 just above the ground?? We would hardly be able to take in the details of the landscape rushing past, not far below. Our destination would seem very far away from that angle and we would surely not be able to see it yet. At low altitude, it would be a scary flight!!

But only too often that's how we fly as mothers! No time to climb up the mountain and rest...we fly low and our days are rushing past so incredibly fast! We can hardly catch our breath as we take care of the many details of our lives and most of the time, we can't really see our destination or purpose. So what is our destination or purpose as a mother? To produce a highly efficient and intelligent child? To be remembered for the clean house and the many things we managed to tick off on our seemingly endless "to do" lists? The amount of social gatherings we attended? Or should we be remembered for the time we spent with our children? Loving them. Listening to them. Admiring and encouraging them...

Image courtesy of www.morguefile.com

On the way home, high up above the clouds, with zero visibility, I noticed that I have already flown too low too often! But a good “quiet time” takes me up high. It takes me to 36000 spiritual feet. It let’s me forget all my daily struggles and shows me my purpose and His providence. For God is faithful and He always provides. But I don’t always see it down below. Up there, at high altitude, my days slow down and I get to enjoy them so much more!

That's why I want to invite you to come on board! Let's have a quiet time and take off. The amazing thing with "quiet times" is that the more you have them, the less your behavior deteriorates. It's actually kind of a preventative measure. So join me at 36'000 feet today! Take a breather and have a good quiet time with God, even if it is just a 10 minute flight! Chances are, your problems will start to disappear and you will feel so much better afterwards!

 “Come to me, all you who are weary 

and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matt 11:28 (NIV)

Even those who are young grow weak; 
young people can fall exhausted.

But those who trust in the Lord for help
will find their strength renewed.
They will rise on wings like eagles;
they will run and not get weary,
they will walk and not grow weak." 
                                                              Isaiah 40:30-31 (GNT)

I wish you a peaceful day today! 

(Unless otherwise stated, all photos in this post are my own.)

Am I an apple? Yes I am!

I recently had to explain to my children the difference between their age and mine. Knowing that my outer "self" is looking different from theirs, I was facing the dilemma of making it visual to them, that inside, I feel exactly the same. I may have some wrinkles and skin blemishes I never had before, but inside, I don’t feel old at all. I trust you know exactly what I am talking about!

So I enlisted the help of an apple. Because an apple is, sort of, what I am.

After I’ve been born out of my mother’s womb and having grown a little, I probably looked something like this…

But I have aged a little since. Now, I look more like this…

With time, blemishes will start to show. The years pass by and we get exposed to life’s sorrows…

Each victory we claim leaves a mark. Like scars in a battle from years gone by and we start looking a little more like this…

I suppose I could put on some more make up and then I would look something like this...

Except that just simply wouldn’t be me.

But is it really the outside that matters? The bible says in 1 Samuel 16:7 “…The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (NIV)

My outward appearance is getting older, nonetheless I do not feel it in my heart. So, perhaps the secret to our true age lies inside. Now, ordinarily, people cut apples open like this…

But I believe, in order to see what God sees, you need to cut your apple horizontally. That's when you will discover this little secret...

Picture is my own

You see, the old apple might have some more bumps and bruises and brown spots on the outside, but INSIDE, well inside, if you cut the apple like this, you will see that every apple has a beautiful STAR with good seeds. Just like you have a beautiful soul, hidden by God! That Scripture above tells me that God sees me on the INSIDE and I bet He sees the girl in me, no matter what I look like on the outside. He sees the new life, my future and what I will be. He sees the eternal me that is ready to be replanted in eternity.

So mom, if you are worried today about a few wrinkles, sit down and share an apple with your child. But remember to cut it horizontally!!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

(Unless otherwise stated, all images in this post are courtesy of www.morguefile.com)